I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
