I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
