she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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