Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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