My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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