Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
