This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
