I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
