I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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