we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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