You made me cry and you don't even care
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
