My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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