in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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