i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
