After last night, I could never be a politician.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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