i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
