when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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