If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
