We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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