If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Randomize
