i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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