Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
