i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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