i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
