Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
