i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
