Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
