I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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