Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
