In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
