I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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