I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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