I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
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