you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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