I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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