My sheets look like a crime scene.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
