I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
