now i know why i became what i already was.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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