what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
