I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
