Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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