This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
