I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
