Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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