first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
