Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
