in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Randomize
