break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
3 2 1 whiskey
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
