i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
This baby is an asshole
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
