she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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