dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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