if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
