They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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